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Wednesday, June 10, 2009


How To Fail My Research Paper


A research paper is generally known as the Holy Grail of the Design Studio project. No I am not joking. It is said to be of such great use it’d expose my miniscule cerebrum to things I’ve never known before.


Unfortunately, it holds a less significant position in my mind. Those who think along the same lines as I do would call it the time-waster, the tree-killer, the ink-waster, the brain-debilitater, the counterfeit mini-Wikipedia and being the defiant youngsters that we are, we complain how sore our eyes get when we attempt to complete the stack of printed papers. Oh yes it hurts.


As if matters aren’t bad enough as it is, I chose football as my topic. Yes, football a.k.a. soccer. The mere utter of that word more often that not will be accompanied by a groan or eyebrows raised so high it’d complement a receding hairline. Some people just won’t understand what I’m going through will they?


There are many ways I can fail my research paper if I choose to do so. As my imaginary wise man once said, ‘’always attack the core”. Who’s the core? Why it would be Miss Ami herself!


Firstly, please take note that I’ve given thoughts about utilizing the conventional techniques of not handing in my paper, purposely forgetting to state the sources of my information, copying it directly from Wikipedia and mundane ideas of such. Unfortunately for Miss Ami, I consider myself a little more adventurous than that so I’d try to type out my papers in Angerthas, an ancient Tolkien language of the dwarves just so she won’t understand a thing I wrote.


Besides that, I’d tell her that I don’t understand anything at all. I’d bleach my hair and tan my face orange, go right up to her and ask –in a bimbotic tone, of course-“Miss Ami, is David Beckham a footballer?” and that “I saw a cube with many black dots on it. Is that a football, Miss Ami?” I’d also scream out, “STOP! I’M STUPID ALL RIGHT? Can you stop pointing that out already?” every time she asks me a question on the paper.


I would also do silly things. I’d fold each and every piece of paper into origami planes, chuck them into a sack and submit them to Miss Ami as an early Christmas present. If she gets upset, I’d tell her the pain of being misunderstood constantly and pretend to start making amends by folding them into pentagons and insist that they are in-sync with my football theme. After all, most footballs have pentagons on them!


Eating my research paper during class would be another great idea. I’d crumple it as loud as possible and eat it in front of Miss Ami. If she ever asks me why, I’d tell her that break was ten minutes ago and I got hungry. If that still isn’t enough to fail my research paper, I’d tell her that I suffer from excessive single-dimensionitis, a psychological disorder that causes me to have more than enough ideas but never able to be executed. Single-dimensionitis can only be cured if Miss Ami vows to stand on her head for three consecutive hours. I’d probably be sent to the counsellor, or better still, fail just more than my Literature and Composition research paper!


If calamity strikes and none of the above got on Miss Ami’s nerves, I would probably retreat to the more traditional methods. I would tell her that the turkey I had for dinner ate my homework. “I am serious! The damned turkey ate my homework!” And for dramatic effect, I’d add, “Why doesn’t anyone believe me? Why am I always misunderstood?” and start wailing in front of the whole class.


In the end, I’m pretty convinced that Miss Ami will fail my research paper with no doubts in her mind whatsoever. She’d not be driven up the wall but into the wall itself. As a bonus, I might even fail the whole project to satisfy the rebellious urge in me!




That was the best assignment I got back in Literature. Le sigh.